my AHA! moment.

(Me, 1997)

I took my Anatomy & Physiology Lab final a couple days ago. I aced it. In fact, I got an A in the class. I can hardly believe it. That class was HARD. But I made it. Now I'm preparing for my lecture final, and I think I'm going to get an A in there, too. Again, HARD class. Yet here I am.

I'm starting to realize something. Something that people tell me all the time, but I never believe them. I don't know why I lack self-confidence. I was a super-star in high school. Drama, dance, honor society, chorus, cheer leading, photographer, you name it. I lived for the stage. But I was prettier then. I was skinnier then. Boys chased after me, some girls wanted to be me.

What happened to me?

I don't know. I don't blame anyone for my self-consciousness but me. My husband is amazing. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday, that he loves me, that he appreciates me. He doesn't care that I've gained weight. In fact, he says he likes me better now-that I was too skinny before. My girls think I'm beautiful, too. My family loves me for who I am. But I hate me. And I think that is all that matters.

I never thought I was smart enough to be a Science major. I took the easy way out and majored in English. What a joke! Now here I am, needing to work, but can't do anything with my BA degree. So I went for it. This time last year, I went back to school. For Science. I wanted to be a Registered Nurse. Still do. I was so sure I would flunk out. But I didn't. I have consistently made A's and B's. I kept giving God and Lady Luck all the credit for my good grades. And I still think that they have something to do with it. But now I think I might actually be smart. No. I. AM. SMART. I. CAN. DO. THIS.

I can do HARD things.

A phrase I adopted from someone else, but it rings so true in my own life. I've proved it time and time again. I am STRONG. I am COURAGEOUS. I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

I was telling my bestie JenHeadJen a few weeks ago that I wasn't sure I could do this-be a nurse and all. But then she said something that stuck with me: "You already ARE doing it!" She's right!

So I've been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo for some time now. But I'm not sure if inking myself is really the way I want to go. There's the whole issue of permanence, plus religion, plus I don't want my kids getting inked too. I always thought that if I were to get a tattoo, it would have to be something really meaningful. Problem is I could never think of an image that meant enough to me. Now I have something. Something that represents my strength, my courage, and my smarts. So what should I do? Should I get a tattoo once I graduate, to remind me how I can do hard things? Or should I get a necklace made? What do you think? I've got time to think about it. After all, I still have two years. But now that I've had this personal epiphany, I don't want to lose it. I want to remember that I can do hard things in life. No matter what is thrown at me.