reflection.

I can't believe 2009 is almost over. I can't believe we are entering into a new decade. It seems like just yesterday we were "partying like it's 1999." This year has gone by fast, but it's been hard.

Every Christmas, I think "Next year will be different. Our situation will change. Things will be better." And they never are. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but it's the truth. This year, we were broke. Last year, we were broke. The year before, we were broke. See a pattern? It sucks. I keep hoping that we will somehow be able to better ourselves each year, but something always gets in the way.

Here's the low-down on our "bah-humbug" of a Christmas:

Christmas Eve was wonderful. On Christmas Eve, we went to Rob and Hilary's for a delicious feast of beef tenderloin, cheesy potatoes, and cranberry-apple crisp, and of course presents. There was even a surprise visit from Santa! It was a lot of fun, but we were up way too late. The girls were completely awful on Christmas Day. They whined, cried, argued, and the whole spirit was just missing. Next year we are planning to buy them even less. What's worse, is that our dear Aunt Sharon was terribly sick, so the Sexton tradition of breakfast on the ranch was cancelled. I swear, it has been going on for 50 years, and this is the first year ever that I remember it being cancelled.

So we planned to just do our own breakfast with my parents, but my mother did her famous flake-out, so I ended up cooking at my house, and then going to their house to find that she had done nothing, so I had to cook everything else there, too. Grrr! We were so angry. We basically ate and ran back to our own house, where the kids continued to be complete brats.

I've been thinking about how difficult life has been for us this past decade, and I want to be able to change it in some way. There are so many things that cannot be fixed, but I am hoping that the new year will bring us more strength to endure.

I am always reading blogs, and I saw this quote on one of them today:

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."
~Joseph F. Smith

Patience and waiting. There is so much that I want out of life. I'm afraid those things will never come. But I know that I need to be patient. And hopefully, one day, those things will come, and they will be sweeter than anything I could have ever imagined.

the best day.

Yesterday was the BEST Sunday EVER! I want to remember it forever. We made it to Sacrament on time, which we don't always do. The choir performed a beautiful Christmas program that took much more time than we usually have allotted in that meeting. It was amazing. I cried tears of joy, sadness, and awe. One of our good friends Billy, sang a song about Joseph, the carpenter. He could barely get through it, the Spirit was so strong. Then there were songs of Mary. Words cannot describe the feelings that were felt. The congregation was invited to sing along at times, and each hymn that was chosen was so inspired! The program ended with "Peace, Peace" while the congregation sang "Silent Night." *More tears.* I felt so much peace. I have been sending letters to an eight-year old boy who is dying of cancer. I wanted to wrap up the peace that I felt, and send it to him and his family. The Spirit touched me in ways that cannot be described. I am forever grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ, and for the season that celebrates His birth.

We also had the opportunity to take a less-active member and her new husband to church with us that day. I am so glad that I volunteered to give them a ride! They were AMAZING! So kind and friendly, and you could feel the Spirit working on her husband as we talked about the gospel and shared our knowledge with him. I love being a ward missionary and am so blessed to be a part of the work.

Today alone showed me how much I have to be grateful for. My ward is AMAZING. The Spirit is so strong in our new building. And I have the chance to meet so many new and wonderful people each time I go out with the missionaries. We went to a baptism on Saturday, for a man whom I had taught. He is a choice spirit. His confirmation was done right before the choir performed. It was the perfect start to a perfect day.

That night, Terry was in such a good mood from the events of the day. He had a good day, too. It made me so happy to see him happy. It is not something that we see too often, and it was wonderful. He even told a joke, corny, but I loved it and we laughed and laughed. I asked him what movie he wanted to watch with me, because I wanted to spend some time with him. He said "I think I am going to watch the movie 'Inside of My Eyelids,' rated G for Goodnight!" Hahahahahahaha! That is the Terry I love. We did end up watching "The Devil Wears Prada," just because it was on TV. Yes, today was the best day.

enjoy yourself.

A few days ago, we was eating at Szechuan Palace, one of our favorites. We were tired and the girls were grumpy, but it was so late that we just wanted to eat something decent and quick (not fast food) for dinner before we went to bed. We happened to be seated in a corner of the restaurant where we have never sat before. In this corner, there was a little sign that said "Enjoy yourself. It is later than you think." At first I thought it was talking about drinking and how the drinkers should hurry up before the bar closed, but as I continued to eat my yummy deliciousness, I kept thinking about that sign. My eyes kept returning to it, reading it over and over again. And I came to the conclusion that it was in fact NOT talking about alcohol. Instead, it was talking about life. MY LIFE.

I have been glum. Since before Thanksgiving, I have been fighting depression. Some days are good, others not so much. Lately it has been hard to fight it. I sit at home and watch Terry sleep, day in and day out. I feel hopeless and helpless. Our closet collapsed a few days ago, so there was a whole other mess of things to add to the already covered floor. Our new apartment is just too small for us. But there is nothing we can do. We have gotten rid of most everything that we could. When we finally called maintenance to fix our closet, I was left alone to move EVERYTHING out of the way so that the job could be done. It made me sad. It made me feel overwhelmed. I wanted to just throw it all away. I actually got down on the floor and cried. I begged Terry to get up. I felt like a two year old throwing a tantrum. It was ridiculous, I know. The cat came over to see if I was ok, then I got up and started to try and clear out the closet. Terry would not get out of bed, and I had to put everything somewhere, so I just piled it all on the bed on top of him. Then I started bagging things up. I was going to throw things away. But just at the last second, when I thought I couldn't take anymore, Terry got up and helped me. Maintenance soon came, and I took the girls and left the house. It felt good to get away with just them.

Back to the sign.

Seeing those words made me realize that I don't have forever to be happy. It is later than I think. Time on Earth is short. We know that. It should not be wasted feeling angry or sad. We should find "joy in the journey." This is hard to do. But at least I have recognized that I need to try and find some happiness, even if it is just a smidge, each day. Life is too short to be depressed all the time.

I don't know where that sign came from. Perhaps my great-grandfather put it there (he is known for his "trinkets") or maybe it is something that the restaurant owners found. Either way, I am grateful that it was there to lift me up. Thank you, little sign.

happy birthday, trinity!

Today is Trinity's 6th birthday. I simply cannot believe it. It seems like only yesterday she was a teeny tiny infant, and I was as confused as ever, not knowing what to do with her! But she was my miracle baby, the child I was told I would never have. Today I love her even more and am still incredibly grateful that I got to be her mommy. Trini, this tribute is for you...

You are so amazingly SMART. You are currently in Kindergarten and can already read. In fact, your teacher has told me that she is going to start you at a First Grade reading level in January. You can do math, spelling, and tell me little tid-bits of so much information. I am so proud of you. You love science and educational programs like shows on the Discovery Channel. You are eager to learn all that you can, and you never stop asking questions about the world around you.

You are BEAUTIFUL. Everyone says so. You get frustrated with your curly hair and say that you wish it was straight, but it really is pretty, and people love it. Your blue eyes are so sparkly, and even though you are still tiny, your personality is not! You love to model in front of the camera, and take pictures, so this year we bought you a digital camera of your own so that you can take all the pictures you want.

You are FUNNY. You are always coming up with jokes and ways to make people laugh. You are very dramatic, and the other day, you said to me "Look! I'm in a box!" and then proceeded to act like a mime in a box! Daddy and I are hoping to sign you up for acting and singing lessons next year.

You are KIND. If someone is feeling sad or scared, you give them a hug and try to make them feel better. If someone gets hurt, you ask if they are o.k. You take such good care of your little sister Natalie. You stick up for her, and though she sometimes annoys you, you always play with her and look out for her well-being. It makes me so happy to see you act so loving and caring towards others.

You have a TESTIMONY. You love going to church and learning about the gospel of Jesus Christ. You always ask to bear your testimony in Sacrament on Fast Sunday, and you get excited when you are asked to give a talk in Primary. You love having Family Home Evening. You love to pray, and you have even told me that you would like to serve a mission one day. It brings me so much joy to see you learn and grow in the gospel, because Trinity, the gospel is true.

I know that sometimes it is hard to be the oldest, because so much more is put on your shoulders. But I also know that you are an amazing, strong, wonderful little girl, and you are the best oldest child anyone could ever ask for. I love you all the way to the moon and back, my little deedles. Happy Birthday.

swine flu vaccine.

Well, even though I am SURE that I have already had the infamous swine flu, I still got vaccinated-just to be 100% completely covered. The health department was offering the vaccine for free, so the girls and I went. Terry had class, so he couldn't come, but will be getting his next week. It turned out to be a bigger ordeal than I could have ever imagined.

They had a great system in place, so there was no waiting in line. That part was easy. It was the girls who were hard (big surprise!). They had some anxiety about getting the shot, but I kept telling them that it would only hurt for a minute and that they would be protected from the swine flu. I decided to go first and show my bravery. Perhaps that was my mistake.

Trinity went next, but she tried to fight me. I had to hold her tight on my lap while she screamed "NO!" but the nurse was able to do it quick and then Trinity was fine. She's just dramatic. But while all this was going on, Natalie was getting more scared and more worried. When I looked at her to tell her it was her turn, she turned and ran out the door! I jumped up and caught her, and then she started screaming and crying, and made herslef SO heavy that I could not lift her. I dragged her back into the room, and kept trying to pick her up. Nothing. Man, this kid is SOLID! I finally got her up on my lap and was trying to hold her down, but she struggled so much that the nurse couldn't do it. By this time, the WHOLE office was looking at us, and you know how much I HATE that!!! No other kid was crying or screaming, lucky me. Oh, and this whole time, I was actually laughing! I'm not sure why-I think it was because I was embarrassed, and because Natalie had NEVER, EVER done this before over a shot, and I couldn't believe it was happening. I couldn't believe she could make herself so heavy that I couldn't pick her up!!!

Finally, a male nurse that was nearby offered to help. The female nurse that was helping us asked me if I wanted to just not give her the shot. She said she didn't want to traumatize my daughter and then another lady piped in and said she can't risk getting her nurse stuck with the needle. That I understood, but I wasn't going to leave without my child vaccinated. So I asked to male nurse if he would help me hold her down. He agreed, and while even he couldn't hold her completely still, the female nurse was able to get the job done!

What an ordeal! I was dripping with sweat, and Natalie was dripping with tears, but they soon stopped because the nurse gave her a lollipop. And the whole building must have heard her screams, because on our way out at the other end of the building, she was offered another lollipop, which she promptly put in her mouth, so she had two sticks coming out of her mouth! We were also offered words of encouragement, and people were cheering for her, since she had gotten the shot! This was by far the craziest doctor's visit I have ever had.

brats.

I can not stand brats. And I'm not talking about the kind you eat, either. (You know, bratwurst.) Today my kids were TOTAL brats. They've acted this way before, but I am just getting tired of it. They are old enough to understand the difference between good and bad.

After I picked them up from school, we headed to *gag* Walmart to buy some treat bags for Trinity's birthday party, along with some other things. Everything started out fine, until Nat started doing her usual "run away from mom" thing, and she was going FAR. This kid will just take off like she's in a race or something. And sometimes I don't even see her leave. She has no concept of "strangers" and doesn't care to listen to me for anything. It makes me furious. I asked her numerous times to stay close, but she kept leaving. She did this through the entire store, and then the girls started fighting. So I stuck Trinity in the cart. This led to Nat running around the cart and up and down the aisles, teasing her sister. Trin just couldn't ignore it, so she stuck out her hand and hit her sister in the face as she ran by. Then the screaming started. AHHHH! Why can't my kids just listen?!

I finally started with the spanking and then I realized that the whole front of the store was looking at me. That's when I lost it. I just can't take the embarrassment that comes with having bratty kids. I had to get out of there-FAST. I dashed to the checkout line and paid for everything-except the treat bags that I came there for in the first place. It was probably $20 worth of goodies, but I was so ticked that I put them back. I told Trin that I was not going to buy her anything else for her party because of her behavior, and that if she did it again, her birthday party was cancelled. They say you have to follow through with your "threats" as a parent, or else it doesn't work. Well, this time I followed through with not buying the goods AND I am going to follow through with cancelling this party.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't do this very often, but they do this EVERYWHERE we go! The mall, Target, Walmart, you name it! It's like going out in public means it's time for a "free for all." It drives me crazy. I feel like a bad parent. I feel like I have bad kids. I hope they read this one day and realize all the hell they put me through as kids!